Renee Joy Kilian: Medals for Mothers
Team Talk chatted with Renee to share her story with us and tell us more about The Compassionate Friends. When I first met Renee, what captured me the most about her was her eyes. Her eyes spoke volumes of love, compassion, humbleness and an authentic love for Jesus Christ. She knows life, she knows heartache, she knows God but most importantly, she knows what faith is all about.
Renee Joy Kilian is an overcomer in so many ways and keeps on showing others what being a mother is all about, even during the trials and tribulations. She leads with dignity, love and inspires everyone she meets on her path. “If there is medals for mothers, Renee, you will win everyone.”
“I'm Renee Joy Kilian born on 4/10/1957. I was one of a twin and grew up with four other siblings on the West Bank in East London. We were raised with strict values of attending church but in that too I guess in a dysfunctional way. At times I couldn't see any use of going to church as love seemed lacking everywhere but I have to admit somewhere in the chaos a seed was sown. It was always a war to get to church on a Sunday and then to get home. Everybody always seemed mad on a Sunday and usually the longest day of the week. I loved our Friday night youth group though.
Church for me then was more of a religion and tradition than a relationship with the Saviour JESUS CHRIST. I had a personal encounter with my SAVIOUR JESUS CHRIST at the tender age of 12 and then my life changed. My twin brother and I accepted JESUS as our personal saviour and got baptized together soon thereafter. Due to dire circumstances which remain very sensitive I wish to keep silent about, I left home at a tender age of 16 years. My sister Lyn and brother in law Trevor were my saving grace at the time and I went to live with them in Alberton. I had nothing. Left home with the clothes on my back, my father was devastated but understood in the end. He was the most humblest caring person I had ever known and I will always have precious fond memories of him. My mom on the other hand was the sergeant major in the home....but I loved them unconditionally as they too had their inner and own struggles.
After I abruptly left home I started work at a company in central Johannesburg as a Junior Bookkeeper and really enjoyed it but because of my circumstances growing up which were haunting me at that stage and a robbery in which I was assaulted and my possessions were stolen I decided to join the police force to make a difference. I had to go through numerous tests etc and after three months of not hearing from them and thinking I was forgotten, I was accepted and needless to say I was elated.
The training in the force was exceptionally strenuous due to the circumstances our country was faced with at the time, but by the grace of GOD I passed all my exams cum laude as well as all physical and mental testing in all sections and on completing the training I was posted to Pietermaritzburg. I met my husband Louwtjie in the police College (a divine appointment orchestrated by GOD) and our first date was to the Full Gospel Church in Kempton Park. Three months into college we got engaged and a year after that we got married. Fourteen months after getting married our first daughter Twané was born.
We were then transferred to Cape Town on receiving rank and we bought our first home. Tragedy struck at a very early time in my life and on the 17th October 1980 at the age of 23, I lost my twin brother due to a severe brain aneurysm. The shock was so severe that on Christmas day I lost twins. I picked up septicaemia due to them having passed in the womb without me knowing and I was hospitalized for about two weeks. I was told by the doctors it would be a miracle if I would have children again.
With the passing of my brother my dad went into a very deep depression. He went from doctor to doctor but nobody could help as the excruciating pain of losing a child took over his life and he went into total recluse. Closed himself up in his room, covered the mirrors with towels and put towels under the door to bar out any light.
He was institutionalized twice at psychiatric hospitals which didn't help. He turned to self help medication which caused bleeding ulcers, had a stomach operation aftee they burst but refused to eat and I believe eventually passed away from a broken heart ....as I write this the tears are streaming down my face.....as I tried to tell him I'm still here, your other children are still here but it went over his head. I had a panic attack on his chest the Sunday morning before he passed and we sang with him "JESUS loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so" He just wanted to die and be with JESUS and his beloved Raymond my twin brother.
We tried to visit as much as possible because at that time we were stationed in Cape Town and he was in East London....even when we phoned he always asked Louwtjie to pray for him....we were then transferred back to Port Elizabeth and could visit more often......If I'd only known.... With a lot of prayer I fell pregnant four years later after losing the twins. Our second daughter Lushé was born and we were SO happy. Six months later I fell pregnant again much to our delight and Louzanne was born. We were ecstatic, our family growing and I felt complete as GOD answered our prayers...she was premature and weighed 2,070kg.
From an early age we detected that Louzanne had medical problems and blood tests were taken time after time but no doctor or specialist could find the problem. She was anaemic and always a bit underweight but we just kept praying and after about six years of age she took the corner and was healthy. The one medical reason they did find was that she might have had one layer of skin less as her blood always clotted like jelly. Her skin was very thin and if she fell or hurt herself it was always stitches.
We literally took turns watching her as she played as a child. At one stage while we were at work we were called home as she had fallen off a chair and she had to be stitched up on five places on her head including her tongue. She literally needed to be wrapped in cotton wool to survive. At the age of 24 one early morning she drove to her friends house with her scooter to feed their dogs as they were on holiday. She accidently drove into their wall and cracked her skull. She crawled across the road to workers building a house who contacted Louwtjie via her cell she lost consciousness we rushed her to hospital .....the results showed her skull was cracked and she had to have stitches...she had a huge dent in her skull....but GOD restored her completely. As I prayed for her a couple of weeks later we heard a huge sound like a crack another miracle the dent was gone. GOD restored her skull.
At the age of 25 her colon burst and she was in ICU for 3 months and a total of 9 months in hospital. She had a colostomy bag fitted and had 354 staples and stitches in her tummy. Needless to say we prayed day and night for her hedges of protection were prayed over her GOD brought her through each time. At the age of 32 six weeks before getting married she fell off her mountain bike knocked her head on a stump had 40 stitches and again a cracked skull GOD restored her completely that she didn't even have a scab on her head for her beautiful wedding day. Her veil fitted perfectly. We raised our daughters with good moral standards, a good Christian upbringing and yes having both parents as police officers and then pastors it was challenging for them and us at times but they always knew that home was their safe place. I subsequently left the police force after almost 20 years of service and Louwtjie in 1998 after 26 years of service. Louwtjie always had a passion for The Word of GOD and the Gospel of JESUS and was a lay preacher spealizing on the book of Revelation and the end times whilst he was in the Police Force.
He went on to complete his diploma in the Full Gospel Church SA and I completed my certificate in Christian Life Training, subsequently we were called to pastoring at the Full Gospel Church, Lorraine, Port Elizabeth. Coming from a background of apprehending criminals to what we call leading people to CHRIST is such a contrast but in that whilst being in the police we had already led many to JESUS. Souls are our passion. John 10v10 became my go to verse in adversity thus winning as many souls for JESUS as possible. I had made this promise at my twin brother's life celebration service.
In 1994 I had the privilege of having a pilgrims tour with my mom’s brother and sister in law to Israel. It was another life changing experience for me and the next year in 1995 Louwtjie and I went, which too was life changing for him. The reality of walking in Jerusalem, visiting Golgotha, the garden tomb, Gethsemane the via Dolorosa, walking in the footsteps of JESUS, sailing on the Sea of Galilee, visiting the towns of Bethlehem, Cana, Nazareth, Jericho, Bethany and the like - inexplainable. The Bible came alive for me for us and after quite a few trips a brilliant tour guide Mike Sayyad from Priority Tours Israel, mentored Louwtjie and he became a Spiritual tour guide in Israel under Menorah Tours South Africa. Israel became my 2nd home away from home and I loved the Spiritual injection year after year. We have done over 40 trips with pilgrims and its been such a blessing to say the least.....GOD had His hand firmly on us as we lived out His calling through two prophetic words received. He positioned and equipped us and Louwtjie even had the privilege of baptizing our daughters in the Jordan River. For what came next I was completely unprepared ....or can a person ever be prepared...but GOD,
On 15th April 2017, Louwtjie being a Pastor had the privilege of marrying Louzanne and Gregg. A fairy tale wedding based on an Afrikaans movie Louzanne loved "Pad na my Hart"....I HADN'T watched the movie but that's what Louzanne wanted.....it was so beautifu and everybody was so happy after Gregg and her being together for 4 years tied the knot. We had the most beautiful family photos taken. The 7th May we celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary and departed for Israel. That night my mom passed away. I was fully aware and prepared as she had told me at the wedding she was tired and wanted to go to JESUS, she was 95 years old and had led a full life.
I had already made all the arrangements with my brother that if something should happen to mom while I was flying out or in Israel he would have to take care of the arrangements as I could not be at her funeral then. I had discussed this with her as I actually stayed with her and had her transferred to frail care that she would have a nurse 24/7. She had contracted cellulitis and needed medical attention 24/7 I asked her if she wanted me to stay and she insisted I go as she said it was our calling and if we didn't see each other when I got back we'd meet again in heaven.
We prayed together and it was as if I knew....mommy was going home....and she left us during the night of the 7th May on our 40th wedding anniversary. On the day of mom's Celebration service I was in the garden of Gethsemane and asked GOD to show me when she had gone through the "pearly gates" and as I walked across the road I looked up at the Golden Gates in the old City walls surrounding the city where JESUS came through 4000 years prior on a donkey which overlook the garden of Gethsemane and the Mt of Olives and while talking to the LORD I looked down and in the road was a beautiful white pearl. I picked it up thanked Him and to this day carry it with me in my purse. "Mommy had gone through the pearly gates and was home safe".
On our trip to Israel in 1994 mom had bought a beautiful butterfly brooch and gave it to me. A couple of years later it broke into pieces while accidentally landing in the washing machine and on all of my trips I could never find another one. I had gone from shop to shop in Israel for many years and could never find one. After Gethsemane we drove to Bethany and visited Lazarus' tomb. Lushé who was with us on tour at the time showed me that the shop had one butterfly brooch. I immediately bought it and was so happy. The most amazing thing was, that at the souvenir shop 3 Arches in Bethlehem there was another one.....and it struck me why after all these years 2 butterflies in 2 days....
We had a back to back tour and on the 16th May my sister Lyn's birthday Louzanne took ill. She went to the doctor and they advised her that she had a stomach bug but nothing serious. She subsequently got worse and Gregg her husband phoned the ambulance and they fetched her. She lay waiting in the ER and by 2pm they had not admitted her yet. She had been there since 6AM....my mommy heart just knew it was serious and I rushed back to the hotel to make arrangements to get to the airport to get a flight back home from Israel. At 7pm the specialist presiding over her then realized it was very serious and that they had misdiagnosed her .....I video called her from Jerusalem 15 minutes before the operation to tell her I was on my way to the airport and that I would be there asap. I could see in her eyes that she was very ill I looked into those eyes before and knew only GOD.....our conversation "Zanno we've been down this road before"...."Dad and I love you very much GOD is in control and JESUS is holding your hand"...her answer "I know mom and love you too".....
On boarding and almost leaving, the flight captain let us know that the aircraft had mechanical problems and we couldn't leave. In all the times I'd been to Israel this never happened but GOD had his reason. I had then spent the whole night on the airport praying and praying. I even went to the duty free kiosk and bought Louzanne's favourite perfume and the HOLY SPIRIT told me GOD'S taking her home I cried and prayed the whole time ..the sun started coming up and I saw two wings....it looked like an angel...and my mommy heart cried. As I looked up on that full international airport...the miracle ...two people approached me saying the HOLY SPIRIT prompted them to pray for me.
After they prayed I told them my story, all to find out that they're from Port Elizabeth South Africa...only GOD... After spending almost 48 hours on the airport I was then placed on a Turkish Airlines Flight and without me knowing Louwtjie and Zelda my best friend was booked on the same flight...another miracle. We only got to realize that when they came through customs and saw me. They actually thought I had already left on the El AL Airline....but GOD HE knew. As we landed in Istanbul on our way to our connecting flight the call a parent ALWAYS dreads bearing the news Louzanne had gone...I heard Louwtjie ask gone where and the answer... to JESUS. I couldn't breath for a moment and thought I was going to collapse. How I got onto the flight I don't know but knew a 10 hour flight was awaiting and I wanted to just get back to my baby and hold her as tight as I could....and tell her everything was going to be okay even if it wasn't.
The doctors had totally misdiagnosed and she passed from a stomach aneurysm. Only after she passed did they realize she had suffered many years from vasculitis re the blood clots, nose bleeds...little vein bursts deep blue marks whenever she bumped herself ....but GOD brought her through them all, so much was flashing through my brain I couldn’t sleep eat or anything.... My battle began....how was I going to survive this knowing what my dad and mom had gone through. I remember getting off the flight seeing my children and wishing this was a very bad nightmare that I would awake from it and all would be good. They were all crying and it was as if nothing was penetrating my mind. They call it brain fog and what ive heard it lasts a very long time. The brain goes into survival mode.
The funeral home people were waiting for us and bless their hearts and opened for us on a Saturday afternoon and we drove straight there..... When I saw her she looked like an angel sleeping I put my arms around her told her I'm here we're and I remember Louwtjie bending down to kiss her and as he did the blood ran out of her nose down his mouth and I wept......and wept and wept... We spent some time with her and Louwtjie put his hands on her chest and prayed and thanked GOD for giving her to us for her beautiful life.....and gave her back with a deep thankfulness that she got to be ours for 32 years and 6 months.
My heart yearned to speak to my mom but she passed 12 days prior to Louzanne....my dad.....and now I know this excruciating pain.....the torment the hell day and night.....I could just as well have been thrown into hell itself.......this became a battle of survival. A total paralysis of the body soul and spirit an indescribable daily experience a battle to survive. At one time I told my surviving children if they see me going in the direction of my dad to drastically make a plan. Here I was a wife a mom a grandmother a pastors wife a friend but felt useless in every one of these roles and felt like Jacob wrestling with the angel of the Bible I was wounded I too would limp for the rest of my life....I was paralyzed and wanted to die. I'd seen so much and experienced so much while in the police .....but this was on a totally new level ....I at times had to break the news to parents of a child passing or counselled parents but now I was on the receiving end....and it was severe.
I knew I needed help and had to find it as soon as possible or take the road my dad did.....as there wasn't anybody there for him....it wasn't an option........if I'd have only known. Louzannes celebration service mostly a daze...I know there was over a thousand people the church was packed. ..she was so loved by so many....her bosses flew in from all over SA.....a friend put a cross in my hand just before I was supposed to walk in front of the coffin.....it felt to me at that stage I was walking between heaven and earth and that all reality and time had disappeared....... She had a beautiful send off service.....I only watched the full service when I was brave enough to a few years later.... I remember singing Psalm 23 at her grave as they lowered the coffin.....my hair dresser Cassey gave me a soft toy giraffe she got, she did Louzannes hair for her wedding.....
I remember putting it on her coffin as she loved giraffes.... her motto "stand tall like a giraffe" resounding in my ears....her last scripture on FB was Ruth 16v1 "Where you go I will go where you stay I will stay".....I could have easily jumped into that grave with her....as I was scared so scared to do life without her....but GOD. Three weeks prior to her passing she sent me a song by Casting Crowns "Oh my Soul You are not alone, there's a place where fear has to face the GOD You know.... one more day He will make a way let Him show you how you can lay this down...my go to song when I can't cope at times....6 weeks later I plucked up more courage to get into her car and pushed the CD button....a song "When I die" played.
Some of the lyrics "Hold me in your arms say a little prayer for me...don't hold on to my things let me go to the place where I belong" I sobbed.... One Sunday afternoon I was lying on my bed talking to JESUS and thought about taking an overdose anything just to get rid of this indescribable excruciating pain. It felt like my heart was ripped out of my body my whole being on fire and my thoughts like a stuck record going around and around in my head .....my Louzie is dead....I would do anything to just take my last breath and die....The cries from my heart were like a lion calling for it's lost cub....a cry from the debts of my soul I didn't even recognise my own moaning sobbing yearning it felt as if I was put in a time zone like a jail and there was no escaping..........
I knew then that ONLY GOD can help me.....I called on Him day and night wherever I went whatever I did everywhere were triggers....in the shops her favorite food her clothing...... I felt like I was walking into an ambush everywhere....I went into complete survival mode....and began to wear a million masks as the nonsensical comments at times came it. I had to try and navigate this new life as so many looked up to me with great expectation that I knew in this state I would never be able to meet. My life our family life had changed overnight....and I couldn't even pray.....but GOD I had read in the PE Express that there would be a meeting for The Compassionate Friends-Child Loss Support Group in PE at the Caritas House. Louwtjie and two congregation members who were also bereaved parents came with us.
THE National Leader had come up from East London and was trying to revive PE which had fallen flat. Needless to say we were about 50 bereaved parents there. What was discussed was totally over some of our heads. It was evident why the chapter in Port Elizabeth had collapsed.....at the time there was no support structure as well as bizarre methods for healing were mentioned... Some bereaved parents ran out of the meeting Louwtjie and I decided to stay with a couple of other newly bereaved parents who were so broken......and I thought LORD we need You we all need You...please help us.......but in that someone stayed and my eye caught hers and I knew here was a tricle of hope.....
Her name was Dawn (another angel)....she was in the previous group and knew what our needs were....and wanted to help us .....her son had passed at age 23 from a motor vehicle accident 8 years prior...I just knew in that moment our eyes met that this was a divine appointment GOD had sent us and angel to help... At that time I was almost 2 years in and dying daily as reality set in.....It is said that the 2 year mark is the worst. The first year is total anger mixed with all the other emotions too much to mention...the 2nd year is reality kicking in....as I kept thinking she will be back. It is said that the brain does this....goes into survival mode to protect....
Almost 2 years to the day Louzanne passed I was sitting in a Church Leadership conference in Cape Town with a about three thousand delegates. As I sat there I felt like a complete failure.....I was questioning my faith in all aspects of the word. What was my purpose in all of this....I could hardly pray or read my Bible I felt dead to everything....I served the LORD with everything inside of me .....I was on my way and in Israel doing the LORD'S work when my mom and child passed.... trying to make sense of my ministry of my calling ....I still felt like I was paralyzed and in a dark hole.....a very dark place.....I even wondered what I was doing there.
I was still thinking about Louzannes two year anniversary....when all of a sudden an international preacher from the USA Samual Rodriguez who was preaching at the time pointed his finger at me ....(he was the pastor who got to pray over Donald Trump at his inauguration to be sworn in as the President of the USA)..... And in these HOLY SPIRIT filled words spoke over me and said "you have been paralyzed for two years over something bad that happened which has caused you excruciating pain but GOD is going to raise you up better than before and you are going to help many who are going through what you are...rise up and do what He has called you to" . I froze....
Our Regional pastors wife was sitting next to me. She grabbed my leg and she and I just knew the turning point had come. I returned to PE and on our next TCF meeting decided together with Dawn and Brigitte (Lost her 12 year old daughter to type one diabetes) (2 of the most beautiful brave bereaved parents I know) that we would start monthly meetings that we would get up no matter how we're hurting to be there and try and help those suffering the way we are and that we would revive TCF-Port Elizabeth....all the while hearing Louzannes voice "Mamma gaan help die mense" .....
She had such a heart of compassion for all...so many testified of that after she passed. She even received a national reward for good clientele services from the company she worked for. She always went the extra mile. On returning from the conference I was chosen as Chapter Leader of TCF-Child Loss Support Group Port Elizabeth, Brigitte Pautz our Financial Adviser, Treasurer, Bookkeeper and Admin. Dawn Jaftha our Mentor and Communicator.
"The Compassionate Friends-Child Loss Support Group was initially founded by Reverend Simon Stephens in the UK in 1969 after he witnessed the support two bereaved families were able to draw from each other after losing a child. TCF was founded in South Africa in 1983 by Linda Abelheim and there are now several groups throughout the South Africa as well as coffee groups." With the grace of GOD and even during covid which was a very trying time for some of our bereaved parents in level 5 lockdown we persevered and in our very special group we resumed our meetings asap as we know one stay away leads to a downhill trend. At the moment we have 34 members but are counselling non members who at this stage cannot do group sitting. This type of grief is very complicated.
At TCF our creed is "You need not walk alone" and endeavour with the grace of GOD to help make life even if a tad easier to cope for bereaved parents grandparents and siblings. We are a non profit organization and rely only on parents who can contribute, sponsors, fundraisers and the like as we often have to help parents whose children who've passed were the soul bread winners in the home.
We plan to expand and help those who cannot afford to pay funeral costs. Louwtjie has kindly helped in this area on occasion. For the first time since 2007 we in Port Elizabeth are extremely proud to announce we will be hosting the National Annual Gathering from 7-9th October 2022.
Bereaved parents grand parents and siblings will be coming from all over SA. We in Port Elizabeth endeavour to make this event an amazing one for all our delegates. Our first guest speaker Mel Lowe will be giving us her testimony how she survived the sudden death of her 4 children involved in a motor vehicle accident of which she was the driver.
Our second guest speaker Josie Biggs survived 2 farm attacks one where her husband was murdered as he lay at her feet. Her son passed from leukemia at the tender age of 16. She had a double mastectomy and is now in Remission.
The Cape Receife School has kindly come on board and availed their hostel with meals at a cost of R950 per weekend delegate and R460 for the day delegate. Thank you all for reading my story. If you feel you would like to contribute or sponsor a delegate or just make a donation, as we help bereaved parents whose children are the only bread winners who have passed on due to accidents suicides sickness illness etc.Our banking details are as follows;
THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS NEDBANK ; A/C 1213070147 Branch Code; 198765
GOD BLESS and take care.”
We would like to thank Renee for sharing her story with our readers. She is a remarkable woman of God and leads others with so much heart. We honour you, Renee Joy Kilian for all that you are. “If there’s medals for mothers, Renee, you will win everyone.”
